🔎 How to Be a Better Houseguest or Host
On being honest, accepting generosity, and embracing awkwardness
I confess: I have ample experience with being a houseguest and host, but I haven’t yet mastered the art.
This article is about the challenges and vulnerabilities that come with sharing intimate spaces with others, as much as it is about what I’ve learned.
Still, here are 8 insights into what can make staying with family and friends a more pleasant experience for all.
I’m Claire Polders, author and nomad, and this is my publication, Wander, Wonder, Write. You can subscribe for free to receive my travelogues, personal essays, book recommendations, and posts on mindful living. If you have the means, please consider supporting by work by taking a paid subscription.
1. Ask Questions
A successful visit starts with asking and answering lots of questions.
How long should I stay? is probably the most important inquiry. Nobody wants to overstay their welcome. Suggesting a visit of three nights is a safe bet, but be open to alternatives.
I also ask: Where will I sleep? So I know what to expect. And: Are you sure it’s still convenient that I visit? Things in the host’s life may have changed between the invitation and the planned arrival, and it’s best to ensure I’m still welcome.
The host often inquires after my breakfast preferences and allergies, so they can prepare their cupboard in advance.
Once I arrive at someone’s house, I continue with the questions. Where should I put my bags so they’re not in your way? Do you hear me practice my Japanese when I keep this door closed? Do you want me to flush the toilet at night or does the sound wake you up?
Perhaps it’s annoying that I ask so much, but I think it’s worse to make assumptions. What’s normal or not differs in each home.
2. Be Honest
Not every host dares to be frank with me. Sometimes politeness gets in the way of their honesty. Hosts may lie because they want to be as accommodating as possible.
If I sense they’re not entirely sincere, it becomes a difficult guessing game for me: Is my sitting here totally fine or in some way bothersome? This can make the visit strained.
The best hosts are the ones who will clearly state their rules and boundaries, so I can fit into their world without friction.
3. Share Plans and Expectations
If I’m hosting, I prepare myself by envisioning the days ahead and imagining when I might need some time for myself. When my guest arrives, I communicate my schedule and might say, “After our trip to the museum, I’m going to be in my room for a while, writing.” Or, “You’re on your own in the mornings, because these are my favorite times to work, but in the afternoons we can plan things together. Is that okay?”
I hope that by sharing my plans, my guest will now what to expect and won’t see themselves as the cause for my temporary withdrawal.
Likewise, I appreciate hosts who tell me about their schedule. When are we doing things together and when not? If unsure, I ask.
4. Be Considerate Without Exaggerating
This seems so obvious that I’m embarrassed to include it. But as a houseguest it’s our job to be as considerate as possible and be on our best behavior. We must clean up after ourselves, put our possessions away after use, don’t play loud music, replace the toilet paper role, and make sure the door is properly closed when we leave the house, etcetera.
Then again, if the host tells you explicitly to please NOT do the dishes (because they will load the machine later), sit back and relax. Many hosts enjoy spoiling their guests a little; it’s part of their hospitality.
5. Adjust When Necessary
During short stays, guests and hosts usually change their habits silently to accommodate one another without much stress. Small annoyances are easily forgotten or overlooked.
For longer stays, it’s wise to checkin with the host after a few days. I might ask, “Are you not sick of me yet? Is it still okay for me to stay here? Am I doing anything that bothers you?”
If irritations remain unexpressed and persist, they can lead to resentments, which are truly harmful for relationships. It’s better to know when issues arise and adjust our behavior.
6. Make the Time You Spend Together Count
When spending time with loved ones, the good stuff—the intimate talk—usually happens automatically. But every now and then, it requires more effort.
I always love it when a host asks a roundtable question, such as, “What are you most looking forward to?” Or, “What was your most meaningful interaction this week?” It’s interesting to hear all the different answers roll in. If I feel particularly welcome or bold, I can take the lead in this way.
The best experiences are when hosts not only invite us into their home, but also into their lives, sharing their friends, kids, and activities with us. This may involve bringing us along to hockey practice or showing us the temperature blanket they are crocheting for their eldest son.
In Los Angeles, Daniel and I were houseguests once when the Rams played in the Super Bowl finale, and I got to witness the excitement of an American couple with their adult kids coming and going, and a crawling grandkid at their feet, all watching the screen together and cheering, all eating from the same bowls, their longterm tensions and love for one another filling the room. It might have been a Sunday like any other for them, but to me it felt like I was part of the family.
7. Express Gratitude and/or Offer Gifts yet also Learn to Accept Generosity
Being hosted by kind people feels like a gift and deserves our gratitude. It’s easy for me to thank my hosts throughout my stay. It’s less easy to accept their generosity without offering anything valuable in return.
I try to arrive with flowers, a bottle of wine, a small souvenir from my travels, or some local delicacy. But because of luggage and transportation issues, this isn’t always possible. Besides, can such a small gift compensate for a host’s opening their home to me?
I often feel the need to offer something more substantial, but my financial status doesn’t always allow me to find an appropriate gift. My host may have more money to spend than I do and know better where to spend it.
Then again, the ideal gift isn’t one that satisfies a person’s known cravings, but one that expands their usual preferences. My go-to gift, therefore, is a book, one picked specifically for the host.
Daniel and I also offer to cook meals for our hosts, but this doesn’t always end up being a gift. Some hosts are picky eaters or used to high-quality restaurant food or are far better home chefs than we are.
With some hosts I can reciprocate by giving them my attention and advice.
But what I really need to learn is accepting a host’s invitation for what it is: generosity that need not always be repaid. When it is freely offered, it can be freely taken in mutual trust.
Houseguests tend to consider themselves a burden to hosts—I do at least. But what if my presence is a gift?
My friends and family may enjoy my company as much as I enjoy theirs, and the best way for us to spend time together is for me to be in their home. By staying with them I don’t incur a debt that needs to be repaid. I only facilitate our togetherness.
8. Embrace the Awkwardness
Being a houseguest and hosting others can get uncomfortable. We don’t like being seen messing up in the kitchen or occupying the toilet when someone else might need it. But getting out of our comfort zone is good for us, right?
During moments of unusual intimacy, I usually acknowledge them. If I must pretend that I didn’t hear the hosts fighting, for example, my presence becomes fake and fraught. I rather ask, “Should I go for a walk right now and come back later? Or would you like some distraction?”
Awkwardness also has benefits. A friend of mine, on her way to the shared bathroom, once ran into Daniel with his uncombed morning hair. Seeing his “flattened bird’s nest” made her glimpse a side of him she didn’t know before. It changed her feelings toward him. Now he was no longer only my husband but also her friend.
There’s no need to fear sharing intimate spaces with our family and friends. Embarrassing ourselves a little and showing our vulnerable sides may actually strengthen our bonds.
This article is inspired by
(aka Jenn Barger), who recently interviewed me about the subject for her article, “Be Our Houseguest?”Reader, I Want to Get to Know You Better!
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Related Essays
If you enjoyed this post, you might also be interested in reading:
Time to Say Goodbye
This week in San Miguel de Allende is all about the celebration of San Antonio de Padua. Everyday there is a parade for the saint for which everyone dresses up in bizarre costumes. On Sunday, the entire town will come out and dance on the streets. I imagine it will be like carnival.
All my best,
Claire
P.S. If I’ve ever been a terrible houseguest and don’t know it: Please tell me!
I think I prefer Dutch frankness to American politeness, but it has yet to be put to any real test. Plus, my (four) Dutch friends are amazing!
A timely read as my daughter and I will be travelling to Norway next week to be house guests. So thank you for your take on being a guest :)