Thank you for writing this Claire! It's crazy how complicated and unjust this system is for elders and their families. To stand up against it, we must normalize the hard conversations you accurately described as taboo.
Clair, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Living Trusts, Last Will, and Testament Medical Advocate are all important items to consider and have. Families can evolve into daemons when assets and control are made possible by incapacity or death. Our world is made of steel and stone, and prevention is the key to putting respect and sanity into the end-of-life process. Thanks for sharing!
I'm so sorry this happened to your family, Claire! Thank you for writing this, and for your upcoming memoir! This is necessary information for everyone! BIG HUGS! xoxoxo
Thank you, Meg! I've been analyzing where we went wrong for so long, yet regrets aren't healthy. It feels better to focus on what others can learn from our mistakes.
Thank you for sharing this personal story, which will certainly resonate with many others. I'm glad to hear you are working on a memoir about it. I hope I get to read it some day.
Thank you for sharing this harrowing journey, it was well written. Not exactly the same circumstances, but I can very much relate: in 2010, my mom died suddenly. I was 25, she was only 48. She had no will of any kind, even though she had had multiple near death episodes in the past and had not changed her life accordingly. I still believe to this day, no matter how much she suffered, no matter how much medication she took, she didn’t believe she could suddenly die, and unfortunately, those around her began to believe that as well, due to her attitude, despite many parts of her life and health clearly being dysfunctional.
At that time in my life, I felt totally adrift and alone. I had little in the way of family support —mainly just immediate, emotionally unintelligent men, who didn’t know what to do or say except keep on keeping on. Unlike them, I didn’t have any money, career in place, or many friends where I was living yet. It didn’t help that this also overlapped perfectly with the Great Recession. I started to develop some very strange health problems then, which ate up thousands of hours of my life of suffering and I’ve never really found answers to, and after all this time, I’ve concluded it’s largely from the trauma of those events and subsequent harsh American environment, socioeconomically etc. I’m only starting to get into a place in my life, and also significant traumas post COVID, now about to be 40, that I think I’m genuinely feeling healthy and optimistic, both physically and mentally.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s hard enough losing a mother at that age (I lost my father when 23), and it’s worse when no arrangements are made for the people left behind. Financial stress keeps us from working through our emotional stress.
Perhaps people unconsciously believe they can keep death at bay by not acknowledging it.
I’m glad to hear you are doing better now and are overcoming the traumas that have held you back.
Absolutely. And I'm also sorry, so you can understand.
I think that's the case. In the case of my mom, she had a very strong personality, and was a high driven Type-A lawyer, and was a classic American in a certain sense--if we just go hard enough, yell loud enough, we can defeat everyone! Including ourselves! But it makes no sense.
My father-in-law was a clever businessman. He could have easily made iron clad arrangements. But our family was complicated and all difficult issues remained unaddressed.
Such important information, Claire. Things most of us, dare I say, hate to ponder. My husband and I just went through pretty much everything you mentioned doing. It's a difficult process but I feel so much better now that we've done it. I will forward this on to those who've not yet taken the plunge. Thanks for this!
Thank you for letting me know, Jeanine. It is a difficult process indeed, and I understand why people postpone it. But as I can testify, it’s not recommended to just wait it out.
Thank you for writing this Claire! It's crazy how complicated and unjust this system is for elders and their families. To stand up against it, we must normalize the hard conversations you accurately described as taboo.
Thanks for your kind words, Brandon. Yes, protection starts with knowledge and conversations, however uncomfortable they might be.
This is such an excellent post, Claire. Thank you. All of this is so important. I'm so sorry for what happened to your family. xo
Clair, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Living Trusts, Last Will, and Testament Medical Advocate are all important items to consider and have. Families can evolve into daemons when assets and control are made possible by incapacity or death. Our world is made of steel and stone, and prevention is the key to putting respect and sanity into the end-of-life process. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Robert (or Andrew)! I like how you put it very much: prevention is the key to putting respect and sanity into the end-of-life process.
Haha! Oh yes! The is Robert! Enjoy your weekend!
I'm so sorry this happened to your family, Claire! Thank you for writing this, and for your upcoming memoir! This is necessary information for everyone! BIG HUGS! xoxoxo
Thank you, Meg! I've been analyzing where we went wrong for so long, yet regrets aren't healthy. It feels better to focus on what others can learn from our mistakes.
Thank you for sharing this personal story, which will certainly resonate with many others. I'm glad to hear you are working on a memoir about it. I hope I get to read it some day.
Thank you, Jennifer! It would feel a bit like justice if sharing this story can help others avoid our mistakes.
Thank you for sharing this harrowing journey, it was well written. Not exactly the same circumstances, but I can very much relate: in 2010, my mom died suddenly. I was 25, she was only 48. She had no will of any kind, even though she had had multiple near death episodes in the past and had not changed her life accordingly. I still believe to this day, no matter how much she suffered, no matter how much medication she took, she didn’t believe she could suddenly die, and unfortunately, those around her began to believe that as well, due to her attitude, despite many parts of her life and health clearly being dysfunctional.
At that time in my life, I felt totally adrift and alone. I had little in the way of family support —mainly just immediate, emotionally unintelligent men, who didn’t know what to do or say except keep on keeping on. Unlike them, I didn’t have any money, career in place, or many friends where I was living yet. It didn’t help that this also overlapped perfectly with the Great Recession. I started to develop some very strange health problems then, which ate up thousands of hours of my life of suffering and I’ve never really found answers to, and after all this time, I’ve concluded it’s largely from the trauma of those events and subsequent harsh American environment, socioeconomically etc. I’m only starting to get into a place in my life, and also significant traumas post COVID, now about to be 40, that I think I’m genuinely feeling healthy and optimistic, both physically and mentally.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s hard enough losing a mother at that age (I lost my father when 23), and it’s worse when no arrangements are made for the people left behind. Financial stress keeps us from working through our emotional stress.
Perhaps people unconsciously believe they can keep death at bay by not acknowledging it.
I’m glad to hear you are doing better now and are overcoming the traumas that have held you back.
Absolutely. And I'm also sorry, so you can understand.
I think that's the case. In the case of my mom, she had a very strong personality, and was a high driven Type-A lawyer, and was a classic American in a certain sense--if we just go hard enough, yell loud enough, we can defeat everyone! Including ourselves! But it makes no sense.
My father-in-law was a clever businessman. He could have easily made iron clad arrangements. But our family was complicated and all difficult issues remained unaddressed.
Easier to make money than share your heart! Sadly.
So true!
Such important information, Claire. Things most of us, dare I say, hate to ponder. My husband and I just went through pretty much everything you mentioned doing. It's a difficult process but I feel so much better now that we've done it. I will forward this on to those who've not yet taken the plunge. Thanks for this!
Thank you for letting me know, Jeanine. It is a difficult process indeed, and I understand why people postpone it. But as I can testify, it’s not recommended to just wait it out.