Maybe one key lies in cultivating our Inner Nurturer🥰 who has radical acceptance, loving kindness, and complete compassion for ourselves, and so is immune to external criticism and judgement?
This writing reminds me so much of the generation gap between my Dutch ‘step daughter’ and her birth mom. I am her real mom in a spiritual and creative sense, so I watch with pain as she writhes and shrivels then bursts with each confrontation of her mother, even when it’s only a tea or short holiday visit. Maybe it’s the change in culture or maybe it’s the discomfort in handing off the baton— but I think this friction is leaving us now as the children of the new century no longer carry the post war poverty mentalities my Italian and German grandparents also carried from the Great Depression.
Your way of handling it is and was your own. And admirable feistiness! A desire to be free of judgement. I know it from my own parents.
What I actually pray is there will continue to be a reason for such frictions in new generations, because it means someone struggled and cared deeply enough to hold their honor, values and pride during disintegrating times. From a bigger picture: The ease with which a new generation is letting go of everything so hard fought for is disturbing, as witnessed by recent elections. So yes, feist is good. When we lose it, perhaps we have lost the whole bloody mess of it all?
I like how you see both sides of this. Frictions are inevitable and generations will likely differ from one another. You are right that people need to care about things and others enough to get worked up about it and that values mean something. And you're right that feistiness or resistance is good.
Last gift to mother in law - “I don’t know what I will do with this.” Gift was bath soap and powder to match. Gave up after years trying to find the best gift !
Yes, it’s hard to please others and sometimes it’s impossible. But if we don’t try and expect to please, we may feel the sting of their disappointment less.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. I can identify with them so well. My biggest anxiety at the ripe old age of 63 is trying to avoid criticism and negativity from my mother of 84 ....and virtually impossible at the best of times. She doesn't even realise the effect of her comments and signs of irritation. I have realised that all I can control are my responses t , that I can't change her and that all I can try is to remain kind (it works most of the time !) and most of all to learn from it to be kinder to my own children.
Have you ever felt criticized by a (Christmas) gift? Yes. When I was married, it was very hard to buy anything for Mr. Ex because he seemed to go through phases. The few times I tried to get him something that I though he liked were met with a Thank You that seemed forced. After a while, I just stuck to gift cards from the places where he liked to buy clothes and shoes.
My own mother is currently going through advanced stages of dementia and when she's "Mom-ing" (those moments where she's being stubborn) she'll have this breezy air of "I don't care" in her voice that has a way of setting us off. To the point where we have to step away into another room and scream out the frustration. We have to keep reminding ourselves that she's not going to remember.
Caring for someone with dementia is so hard. Stepping out for a minute is a good habit. I often told myself: It's the illness that's doing this, not her, not me, the stupid illness. Wishing you strength!
Thank you, Lindsay! And I think it is indeed a generational thing, these overly critical mothers. I'm sorry your relation with your mother is also a complex one.
Complex is an understatement, as I’m sure yours is. It isn’t easy on us daughters when our relationship to the preeminent caregiver in our life isn’t straightforward in its warmth and love.
However, my relationship with my children is not strained, cold, or complicated, by the grace of God. I learned what not to do with kids by what I experienced as a child. Thank you for your honesty in your writing. ✍️ keep it up!
Oh, these critical, judgemental European mothers of a certain era... 🤨
Yes, I’m sure my mother was not unique in this regard.
Yes, and while we cannot change the other, we can only change how we respond - how do we deal with feeling criticized and judged?
It’s a perpetual challenge.
Maybe one key lies in cultivating our Inner Nurturer🥰 who has radical acceptance, loving kindness, and complete compassion for ourselves, and so is immune to external criticism and judgement?
Yes. That Inner Nurturer is a life saver!
I have similar parents, and we have similar conflicts. I've been fighting with myself for decades about itI hope I will become wiser with age...
It didn’t come all at once for me. But it did come.
This writing reminds me so much of the generation gap between my Dutch ‘step daughter’ and her birth mom. I am her real mom in a spiritual and creative sense, so I watch with pain as she writhes and shrivels then bursts with each confrontation of her mother, even when it’s only a tea or short holiday visit. Maybe it’s the change in culture or maybe it’s the discomfort in handing off the baton— but I think this friction is leaving us now as the children of the new century no longer carry the post war poverty mentalities my Italian and German grandparents also carried from the Great Depression.
Your way of handling it is and was your own. And admirable feistiness! A desire to be free of judgement. I know it from my own parents.
What I actually pray is there will continue to be a reason for such frictions in new generations, because it means someone struggled and cared deeply enough to hold their honor, values and pride during disintegrating times. From a bigger picture: The ease with which a new generation is letting go of everything so hard fought for is disturbing, as witnessed by recent elections. So yes, feist is good. When we lose it, perhaps we have lost the whole bloody mess of it all?
I like how you see both sides of this. Frictions are inevitable and generations will likely differ from one another. You are right that people need to care about things and others enough to get worked up about it and that values mean something. And you're right that feistiness or resistance is good.
That was a hard, beautiful read.
Thank you.
This touches on so very many familiar strains for me, Claire. Beautiful piece. And oh, the precision, the concision, of Salter.
Thank you, Beth!
Sorry to hear about that. Parental relationships can be insanely complicated and aggravating.
Thanks, Michael. Complicated they are!
Last gift to mother in law - “I don’t know what I will do with this.” Gift was bath soap and powder to match. Gave up after years trying to find the best gift !
Yes, it’s hard to please others and sometimes it’s impossible. But if we don’t try and expect to please, we may feel the sting of their disappointment less.
A powerful story, Claire! And so sharply observed - “She condemned in others what she refused to allow in herself” Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for reading, Michael, and for your kind words.
You inspire me with your vulnerability Claire! Miss you
Thank you, Tru! Miss you as well. I hope you have carved out some time for your writing. You know how to find me if you need some support.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. I can identify with them so well. My biggest anxiety at the ripe old age of 63 is trying to avoid criticism and negativity from my mother of 84 ....and virtually impossible at the best of times. She doesn't even realise the effect of her comments and signs of irritation. I have realised that all I can control are my responses t , that I can't change her and that all I can try is to remain kind (it works most of the time !) and most of all to learn from it to be kinder to my own children.
It sounds like you have gone through the same process I did. Staying kind in this case seems the right thing to do.
Have you ever felt criticized by a (Christmas) gift? Yes. When I was married, it was very hard to buy anything for Mr. Ex because he seemed to go through phases. The few times I tried to get him something that I though he liked were met with a Thank You that seemed forced. After a while, I just stuck to gift cards from the places where he liked to buy clothes and shoes.
My own mother is currently going through advanced stages of dementia and when she's "Mom-ing" (those moments where she's being stubborn) she'll have this breezy air of "I don't care" in her voice that has a way of setting us off. To the point where we have to step away into another room and scream out the frustration. We have to keep reminding ourselves that she's not going to remember.
Caring for someone with dementia is so hard. Stepping out for a minute is a good habit. I often told myself: It's the illness that's doing this, not her, not me, the stupid illness. Wishing you strength!
My mother is not Dutch; she is a Southern woman, through and through, but her criticism is exacting.
Is this a universal language shared by mothers of her generation?
I related very well with you about the unexpressed rant.
I have felt that way many times in my mother’s presence.
Mothers and daughters will forever remain a tangled bond. Beautiful writing.
Thank you, Lindsay! And I think it is indeed a generational thing, these overly critical mothers. I'm sorry your relation with your mother is also a complex one.
Complex is an understatement, as I’m sure yours is. It isn’t easy on us daughters when our relationship to the preeminent caregiver in our life isn’t straightforward in its warmth and love.
However, my relationship with my children is not strained, cold, or complicated, by the grace of God. I learned what not to do with kids by what I experienced as a child. Thank you for your honesty in your writing. ✍️ keep it up!